the mayor of fun

So Tuesday night I was looking to relieve the stress of the day, and a little mindless mayhem with Grand Theft Auto IV seemed like a fine way to accomplish that goal. A little while later, Amy and William came into the room. I should’ve turned it off at that moment, but thought, I just won’t do anything violent or reckless, and play for a few more minutes.

But alas, even when you’re being a careful video game driver, you’re still eventually going to bump into something. And that’s exactly what happened. I rear-ended a taxi, and of course the driver yelled “What the fuck!?” Then some digital bystander said, “Look at that shit!” and I knew it was time to turn it off. William didn’t really seem to notice, as he was occupied with monster trucks at the time.

When I got home yesterday, Amy told me that William had gotten in trouble at daycare for using bad language. Well shit. I guess I’m in big trouble. I prepared myself for the worst and asked, “What did he say?”

“He called one of his classmates a stupid poopy-butt.”

I’m not trying to get into any kind of deep, spiritual discussion. It’s just a topic of conversation that came up over the weekend. Let’s say you were in the market to buy a home, built in 1855 in a historic Southern city. It seems awesome, but the previous owners say that there’s a mischievous spirit named Sarah who “likes to move things around and slam doors” who occupies the house. Would you want to buy it? I say yes, but Amy says no.

Not that I could buy the house in question. The house and the ghost story are real. The part where I’m in the market to buy any house is definitely fiction.

Real cool, Monday.

You know what that means. JON, WE NEED YOU TO DO THIS TODAY BEFORE YOU LEAVE!

Yeah, I know. Everyone was posting these weeks ago. It’s taken me this long to come up with ten moderately interesting things:

1. I own a 7-pound block of solid aluminium.

2. Top-three countries I’d like to visit: Japan, Germany, U.K.

3. Fastest I have ever driven a car: 140mph

4. I never learned how to properly catch a baseball with a baseball glove until well into my twenties.

5. My left eye is generally open a little more than my right eye.

6. I have two surgical scars - one from an appendectomy, and another from a sweat gland tumor removal on my right hand.

7. I rarely use the cruise control, even though my car has it.

8. I think olives are an abomination.

9. The first complete song I learned on bass was “Zombie” by the Cranberries.

10. I have in my possession a dysfunctional traffic signal, courtesy of the Charleston Police.

Shortly thereafter, I began drinking heavily.